The 7th Fundamental Right

How many of you are browsing channels on idiot box and wondering are there really 150 channels in your cable or the cablewallah has made a fool out of you! How many of you are picking up the newspaper on a Friday/Saturday and checking the cinema this week section on TOI to check may be there is some movie which is still playing which you have missed by mistake? Guys..I am really one of them!
I normally don't get bothered by strikes. If it's a petrol pump strike and there is no petrol in my car, I take an auto paying him 10 bucks extra as NBBRI tax (Non Bangalorean Born Resident Indian tax). If there is a transporters strike and there are no vegetables at home, I go out and eat a healthy and nutritious McChicken burger. But what can possibly replace the charm of watching a Hindi movie on a Sunday afternoon? I tried watching Indian Payjama League with double gutso this time around and also tried following Indian elections more intensely but now I am getting a yawn just thinking about these two things.
Ladies and Gentlemen - the time has come that we ask the govenment to give us our most basic right of survival on weekend - right to watch a movie! I just hope one day when all the Chiranjeevis, Rajnikanths, Amitabh Bachhanns and Shah Rukh Khans will plunge into politics and will pass this resolution and will give us the 7th fundamental right as an Indian citizen.
P.S. - Did I hear you say that Chiranjeevi has already plunged into politics? I also thought so but couldn't see any seats for his party in this election. May be time has come for me to get my eyes tested and brains twisted!

IQ badi ya Bhais

When I was a kid, GK was the most exciting subject for me (perhaps because it was the only subject with a multiple choice question paper and I was a very good student of probability) and since this is summer holidays across all schools let's refresh our GK.
Question No. 1 - Which Indian politician is responsible for the pathbreaking 1991 economic policy introduced in India?
Easy?
Question No. 2 - Which Indian politician was the first union minister in Indian history who had to resign because he was convicted in a murder case?
Did I hear...what was that?
Question No. 3 - Which Indian politican was responsible for formation of the first state government of India led by an independent?
Did I hear...Are u crazy?
What if I tell you that the answer for all the three questions is same....yes, the same politician is responsible for these three biggest and brightest (as bright as Fu(Si)doo's jokes) events in Indian politics.
OK. All of us will agree that the first question is the easiest one...so what is the answer for the first one...Did I hear Manmohan Singh? You must be kiddin...Manmohan Singh was not even a politician at that time...PV ke aaya Rao....no way!
Then who could it be?......My dear friends that great great politician is none other than Mr. Chi-Boo Soren. Yes, the same guy who had the vision to support PV ke aaya Rao's government in the no-confidence motion at that time. If you thought he did it for money you are grossly mistaken (just like No-Jeet Agarkar is about his batting/bowling/fielding/etc..etc abilities) He did it because he knew something great is about to happen which will change India forever. What's wrong if he charged a fees for that? Don't consultants charge enormous sums of money from innocent (actually very very innocent) companies for telling them what to do in a situation where nobody can do anything and hence the situation demands nothing should be done and at the behest of a consultant's advice actually nothing is done for doing nothing!
Confused! me too!! No wonder I consider myself to be a good consultant.
So, my dear friends the next time Shah Ruk Ruk Khan asks this question in the program"Panchvi phel se fudoo kaun" then you know what to answer!

Cross Border connection

Well, Indian Payjama League got a big setback early this year when it was decided that Pakistani cricketers will not be allowed to take part in this year's edition. The Pakistani cricketers barring (Sleep-Hail Tanvir) had performed exceptionally well last year and were consistently seen cheering their respective teams from the dug-outs when their teams were fielding.

Having been so disappointed with this, I decided to name one of the awards to one of the greatest cricketers Pakistan has ever produced with averages of 49 and 13 in batting and bowling respectively (oops- I made an error its reverse actually) - the great Pakistani fast bowler Mohammad Sami.

There are a number of contenders for the prestigious Mohammad Sami Award for Excellence in Bowling. I have not included the legendary No-Jeet Aa Agarkar (No win, Agarkar has joined our team) for the nominations as he has already proved his mantle over last 10 years and has made a fool of a number of coaches/captains alike. So the nominations are

1. L Bolo-ji - the ex-Indian speedster who has defied all speedometers with his lightening speed and even more lightening accuracy


2. Ashok Tinda - the ex-almost indian speedster who has introduced long jump in the art of fast bowling


3. Phat-gayi Flintoff - the ex-IPL angrezi speedster who is giving a tough competion to his ex-captain for giving the maximum "Aarthik Nuksaan" to his team owner

And the award undoubtedly goes to the "Liverpool ka chora jisne Mahi ka dil todha aur jisko sab batsman ne phoda" - the great Phat-gayi Flintoff.

No wonder - Angrez invented this game and all their players are winning these awards. Hats off to their continued dominance of world cricket!

Indian Payjama League

Beware all saas-bahus, balika vadhus and bandinis, Indian Payjama League is here. Now for next 4 weeks there will be a silent understanding among the couples that Post 8 PM the husbands will pay more attention to Red-It Modi (the narha of IPL) than their respective wives. Since the matches will be getting over way past 11 PM, we might expect lesser children getting born in the run up to the next republic day.

To recognize the excellent peformance of the athletes in the IPL, I am instituting excellence awards. The awards will be given to bowlers, batters and fielders who will put their hearts out to ensure victory of the opposition team.

For the first two weeks I am giving the following awards -

• Vikram Rathore award for excellence in Batting - There are a number of contenders for this award.

1. Wash-Ni - the charismatic Kaptan of the Indian Cricket Team
2. Peter Ka beta - the charismatic ex-kaptan of Angerzi cricket team
3. Very Very Sentimental Laxman - the charismatic ex-kaptan of Dhakan Chargers
4. Brain-dead Muh-kallam -the charismatic kaptan of (K)night hiders

It is a tough one but I will have to give the award to Peter Ka beta for once again proving that "Maal lutaya ji" has once again done it. "Unke haath chute hi, sona bhi mitti ban jata hai"

Keep reading for more!

Kya apne apne Pratyashi ka chunaav kia?

Year - 1989, Place - Vikas Puri, Delhi

An auto all decked up with banners is moving around the by-lanes of DG II block with a loudspeaker blazing "Bahiri (Outer) Delhi se Janta Del ke pratyashi Tarif Singh ko vote de, cycle par mohar lagaye"

Cut to 2009 elections - no banners, no slogans, no autos (atleast in the main cities). Indian elections have lost a bit of charm through some of the measures that were introduced by Shri Left (Sesh)-en.

But one thing has remained constant throughout the last 20 years and that is the voting turnout in successive elections in urban areas. Inspite of energetic campaigns by Wake up, Garib Khan and scores of other personalities, khaas admi (un-aam admi) of India is still not voting.

What can they do to improve the voting percentage by the khaas admi? I actually have a couple of todu (pathbreaking) suggestions?
1. Government should amend laws to include "None of the above" button in the voting machine. I know there is a process whereby you can go to the polling booth and can register that you dont want to vote but it is hardly used. Instead of that they should have the none of the above option and at the time of counting if a particular % say 10% or more votes are in that category there should be re-polling/change of candidates or something
2. Government should allow online voting. Boss - when you can have millions of rupees transactions online, why cant you vote online? Create your account, make it password protected, use digital signatures and vote!

What say?

Am I drunk or maine Zyada pi li hai

"Lion King you Lionk King (read it to the tune of -Baa baa black sheep), have you any awards?Yes sir, yes sir, three trophies full!One for the master of stupid films, one for the master of idiotic films,And one for the director who used to live down the lane".

Has any one watched the movie 'Clerk'? Its an 80's ka movie starring Heart-oj Kumar, Re-Eat and A-Mourning(Shok) Kumar. There is a classic scene in the movie whereby Shok Kumar suffers a heart attack and calls his young (60+) son Heart Kumar and says "Nahi beta mujhe doctor ki zaroorat nahi hai, mujhe bas two cell la do". Heart Kumar rushes to a nearby shop, gets the cell and plays this song on transistor - "kadam kadam badaye ja..." Shok Kumar listens to that song, starts dancing and within seconds the heart attack is gone! I wonder why do we have specialized heart clinics for something which can be easily cured by a song. Actually this is it...this is the solution that the US government is looking for to reduce their healthcare costs, just buy a transistor for all Americans. May be instead of "Kadam Kadam", the transistor there can play " We will we will rock you...". Heart Kumar has produced such other wonderful gems like Kalyug aur Ramyan, Shor and Maidan-e-Jang.

A few years back, I was watching an interview in Congress Ne (ko) Bech Chuke (CNBC) IBN in which a young and charasimatic boy was telling media about his new movie. "See its a simple story of a boy meets girl and they falling in love. We are introducing a new girl, 17 yr old xyz in the movie" "And who is that boy in this movie" - the journalist asked shamelessly. "Its me, who else" - said the young man. The only problem was that the young man was a 75 year old Babe Anand and that poor gurl should have been launched along with Babe saab's Great great grand son. Babe saab has amused and enchanted (though most of the time unintentionally) the audiences of all generations with movies like Awwal Number, Censor, Gangster and so on.

I don't know but whenever I hear the word "Dad" ( I call my father Papa), I am reminded of the scene in the movie Yalgaar where the 60 year old Fi-daily Khan calls the 40 something Bhisham Pitamah-Rishi "Dad". Fi-daily has been referred to as "Clint Eastwood of India" by some of the US newspapers as part of his obituary and Daily Khan made such gems as Prem-Aggan and Janasheen.

The common thread across these three wonderfully talented people is that actually they made really useless movies such as Pukaar, Hare Rama Hare Krishna and Qurbani early in their careers but then they had "Moksh ki prapti" from inside and they started producing these gem of the cinema like Clerk which has engraved their names on the history of great indian cinema in "Sunhare Akshar"

Quarterly Business Review

Ok guys - So its time to do the quarterly business review once again but this time it is not the boring quarterly business review that I do at my work but its the Quarterly Business Review of the movie biz. Essentially every quarter I would be talking about my favoraite movies, stars of the quarter.
Last quarter was particularly bad partly because of the multiplex strke and partly because of the creativity strike (read that as lack of creativity) by filmakers.
We had such gems last quarter as C2C and 8X10. No wonder the gem industry in Surat is going thru its worst phase this year in centuries!
But there was some hope in the form - Dev D, Delhi 6, (yes, yes i liked it!), Gulaal
So Lion King Awards of Excellence in Hindi cinema goes as follows

• Best Film - Dev D
• Best Actor (Male) - Abhay Deol
• Best Actor (Female) - Mahi Gill
• Best Music - Dev D, Delhi 6
• Special awards - KK (Gulaal), Vijay Raaz (Barah Aana), Irfan (Billu)

Now coming to the equally prestigious - Lion King award for excellence in Pakau Cinema

• Bakwaas movie - Chandni Chowk to Chaman nagar
• Mahabakwaas movie - Jai Veeru (even without seeing it I will give this award to this movie)
• Vahiyaat Movie - Victory (Balla utha....thapad laga...muh tod de uska jisne ye movie banaya...)
• I will tear my hair off scene - Amitji and Jr. Amit ji 's climax scene in Delhi che - why dont they just delete this scene
• Ehsaan kia performance - Ayesha Taak-na (8X10 - photu), Jackie Shroff as the Bhoot in Raaz 2 - why dont they just have Kangana Ranaut as the Bhoot!! She was looking like the Bhoot actually!
• Special award - Basti Kuta Lakhpati - Are the Oscar guys really dumb? How can this movie get the best movie award and a movie like Tare Zameen Pe doesnt even get nominated
• Most melodious song - Alka Yagnik said once in an interview that from now on she will only sing "meaningful" songs and she did that - "Ring a ring a ring a ring a ring...khatiye pe mai padi thi, aur gahri neend badi thi, ek khatmal tha sayana, tha mujh par uska nishana..." wow - its a gem!

I would look forward to your comments.